Day 2 in the Yukon

Well, we've been here for 2 days now and I'm already feeling relaxed and refreshed.

There's just something about this place that seems to immediately wash away all the stress and worry and whatnot that's been going on for the last while. Up here, there's no work stress, no fastpitch team politics (which, although I've "resolved" them, the resolution has now unleashed a rather unpleasant litle war which is only just beginning), no traffic (well, not much, I only honked at 1 person yesterday).

So I don't have too much to report, it's been pretty quiet so far, which is how I was hoping. Well, quiet with the exception of the noisy family that we're staying with. But I do love the mother-in-law, brother-in-law, and grandmother-in-law, so the combination of loudness and impossibility to get a word in edgewise...ness and the fact that it turns my wife into a bit of a shouting scatterbain is perhaps more charming than annoying anyway.

The aforementioned individuals (with the exception of Nathan, the brother-in-law) are off at church, so I'm watching Noel before we head out to brunch at 11. After that, we're going to drive off to Skagway Alaska. While the town itself is rather neat, it's the drive that I'm looking forward to as it's perhaps one of the most spectacular drives I've ever taken in my life.

Yesterday was very nice. All I did was spend time with Noel, have a nap, drive around Whitehorse for a bit, have dinner and go back to sleep. It was really quite a nice way to kick off what will hopefully continue to refresh and relax me.

That's all. Should have some pictures to post soon once we're back from Skagway.

99% Of Us Is Failure

Well, the last few days have been pretty tough. This has made me an absolute bear to live with, I'm sure. I've been snarky, grumpy, and relatively foul. At least I'm aware of it, anyways.

Things tend to be challenging / stressful / frustrating (call it what you will) when your company is in the process of trying to find a buyer / investor / etc., and when the ball team that you've put 3 years of effort into (which recently resulted in a provincial championship) is in danger of being torn apart by a conflict between two families on the team.

I mentioned in my last entry here that there's three things in my life that I put effort into: My Family, My Work, and My Team. That's really about it. And these three things together tend to keep me sane and nicely balanced, and quite happy (of late). The big problem is that two of these things are now being threatened. The mere prospect of this is enough to make me very frustrated and quite worried.

However, this was the attitude over the last few days. Now, I'm starting to come out of the frustration phase and am moving into the "dammit, let's do something about this" phase. This should pan out better... well, let's hope, anyways.

On another note, I would like to politely request of anyone in Calgary who owns a Ferarri, Bentley, Aston Martin, Maserati (or other similarly wonderful vehicle) please refrain from driving their vehicle towards me, past me, or along side me. Also please avoid parking said vehicles on any roads upon which I may be driving. Should this polite request be ignored, I shall begin kicking said vehicles in jealousy.

That is all.

Lots of words

Ok. So I haven't blogged in months. MONTHS!

So long in fact that my blog had disappeared from the landscape, moving to our new house and from Telus (where I had hosted it) over to Shaw. I didn't even notice. This is not good. I haven't commented on anyone's blogs, haven't read them, nothing!

This ends now! I hope. I've made this promise before, and didn't keep it. But let's hope this works this time.

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Just a warning... the post below is very personal. You might not want to read it. Go ahead and read it if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.

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So ball season has come to end for another year. This leaves me with scores of time. Most of which is spent with the family, which is a good thing because I'm pretty certain Steph was right about to kill me as the three months of me being not around all too often, what with games and practices and such. So most of the time is being spent making up for the last three months.

Now that's not to say that I don't miss it. I miss it terribly... although not necessarily for the simple reason that I love coaching and love the girls and love the sport.

A little backstory here would probably help... back in October I finally admitted that for the last ... probably six months (so since the late Winter) I had been slowly dropping back into a severe depression. While that's something I often dip into from time to time, I've always been able to kick it myself. This time, it wasn't the same. It was brutal. In November, I spoke with my doctor and went on antidepressants (which I'd been on ten years earlier) as I knew there was no way I was going to escape the completely non-functional state I'd gotten into over the last few months. I was litterally numb and was probably at the lowest place I'd ever been.

Unfortunately, it didn't help. In late November (or early December, I can't recall), I began to have severe anxiety attacks. The last major one I had was so severe I ended up in the hospital for most of the day. It was so extreme that I am very glad I was not alone at home when it happened. I don't know what would have been the result. But it could have been very, very bad.

Anyway, being hospitalized ended up getting me on some MORE drugs, ones intended to calm me down and prevent the anxiety attacks. It did... although it made me quite numb. Not numb in the way I was before with the depression (which was still there), but numb as in not much would phase me. I liked being on them for a little while... I felt very relaxed and calm. But that wasn't the way to deal with the issues.

So, slowly, ever so slowly, I went off the "calming" drugs and kept increasing, slighly, the antidepressants. I eventually, probably around February, got to a point where I was feeling less numb and less depressed. Enough that I could start to clearly think about things. Clearly assess where I was at, mentally.

I talked to my psychologist about me seeing a therapist. This decision was partly prompted by Stephanie's urging, her mother's urging, and my own decision that I needed to get to the root of a lot of the behaviours and thoughts I'd had over the last ... decade? ... which had led to some unfortunate situations and some very depressed episodes.

Where am I going with all this backstory? As I started going through the work with the therapist, I discovered a lot of things about myself. I tend to overwork myself. I have an incessant and somewhat insatiable need for approval. I have very irrational drops and doubts in my self-esteem and self-image. What is the root of all this? Well, we're still working on that. That's a long, long road.

But where I'm going with all this (and having started talking about the ball season being over) is that I only started to get out of my debilitating funk during the season. I know that the "high" I get from coaching is significant. Huge, even. The approval I get from the girls, their parents, the reward I get from our success, seeing them improve, and the physical love I have for the sport and everything associated with it (I feel butterflies every time I look at a freshly lined, untouched ball diamond, especially when I'm the only one around). For the first time in nearly a year, I started feeling whole again. I started to feel like myself again. As the season went on, I felt more and more like me again, to the point now where I'm now in a place where I can write this. In a place where I can assess and discover my triggers, what causes my anxiety attacks and my depressions. I can discover the root of some of my behaviours, and fix what needs fixing.

The problem is, I'm terrified that without the season, without the highs I get from the sport, I might fall back again. I know that I have my family that I can turn to, but I didn't do that last year. I let myself fall into a brutal depression that could have ended very, very badly for me and everyone I care about.

What if I let that happen again? I know right now I wouldn't, I know right now I won't let that happen because I'm in a healthy, positive space. But what if I start to slip? What if I'm not able to stop my triggers enough? The combination of my family, ball, and my friends, was huge.

The biggest fear is a significant hit just happened at the company that I work for. A hit so significant that it may cause the company to close, or may result in me needing to move on. This company is one that allows me a great deal of flexibility (being the COO and part owner doesn't hurt). I'm terrified that if I need to find work elsewhere, that I will not be afforded the ability to coach. It requires a lot of flexibility on the part of my employer and family. The family, for the most part, can handle it. A potential future employer may not.

And I know that I just can't let myself get back to where I was six months ago.

I'm out of words now. Bye.

If I could, yes I would... if I could I would...

Some random Wednesday ramblings

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OK. Listen up, drivers of Calgary.

The traffic circle is nothing to be afraid of. It's remarkably simple. Go into the circle if there's nobody coming at you from the left. Don't go into it if someone is coming at you from the left.

Traffic circles are more efficient than 4-way stops. They improve overall fuel consumption of the vehicles that go through them (since there's rarely a stop and it's more of a slowing-down).

They installed a bunch of traffic circles on our current route to Safeway down in Signal Hill. Three traffic circles in a row where there used to be 4-way stops.

This has caused an utter and complete disaster of confused drivers. People stopping at the entrance to the circle when there's no traffic in it at all. The driver's head can be seen frantically looking in every conceivable direction in sheer, unrelenting confusion. There's the rapid tapping of the brakes that some drivers do as they approach the circle, as though their foot was connected directly to the confusion in their heads ("Go no stop no slow down no speed up no AAAAH THIS IS TERRIFYING WHAT DO I DOOOOO"). There's the people who blast towards the traffic circle only to slam on the brakes at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND before entering the circle, regardless of whether a vehicle is coming at them or not.

end of rant

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Can't wait until Barry retires... not only is he sullying my Giants and wasting $20m a year of the team's payroll, he's hitting .214 with no home runs and just one steak in 11 games. I could do better in the #3 spot in that order.

SHOO. Go away. Now you're a distraction AND a has-been. I could tolerate you when you helped the team win, but not anymore when you're not even contributing.

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The Jays are starting to get into their groove and really turn it on... 13 homers in their last 7 games. Pitching staff starting to settle down a bit... and what's better than beating up on the Big Unit?

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Well, I've had a few practices with the girls now and our first game is tomorrow. Should be a very interesting season... the girls settled (as much as a group of 9 year old girls can agree on anything) on a name yesterday evening at practice. We're the South Bow River Kaos.

Here's the logo...



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That is all.

Lazy post.

Moe.

This is classic

So Chevrolet thought it would be a good idea to have a contest where the general public got to make advertisements for the new Chevy Tahoe.

Yeah, it's not hard to figure out where this would lead. (The links to the ads are scattered around through people's posts, a little tricky to find but oh so worth it)

Survey, thiefed from that librarian chick.

A - Age: 27 and a half

B - Band listening to right now: Tupac Shakur

C - Career: Babysitter, Fireman in a world of unstoppable fires

D - Drink: Strongbow

E - Easiest person/s to talk to: Steph, Shane

F - Favourite song/s at the moment: Big Lake by Junkhouse

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Bears

J - Junk foods you like: Chocolate, Gummy Things, Potato Chips

L - Longest car ride ever: The road trips out to Vancouver with Mike

M - My favourite Sport/s: Baseball

N - Number of car's you've owned: 6

O - One wish you have: Enough financial independence to pursue my dreams

P - Phobias: Biggest recurring phobia is that people think I'm an idiot, have no respect for me, that I don't know what I'm doing, etc. Is that a phobia? If it's not, I don't think I have one.

Q - Favourite Quote: "Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week."

R - Reason to smile: I've got plenty. Biggest one is that Noel guy I've got living with me right now.

S- Song: Uh, wasn't this asked before? Or is the question what song is playing right now? It would be "Can't C Me", Tupac Shakur

T- Time you woke up: 7:15ish

U - Unknown fact about you: There's plenty of them. One unknown fact about me is that I'm wearing grey boxers right now. Nobody has seen me in them, thus, up until now, this was an unknown fact about me.

V - Vegetable/fruit you hate: Brussel Sprouts

W - Worst habit: Blowing things way out of proportion / obsessing / etc.

X - X-rays you've had: Not sure how many. At least 15.

Y- Yummy food/s: Them deep fried chicken wings from the chinese food place near us.

Z- Zodiac sign: Cancer